Disillusionment
The euphoric busy body behavior that at first was refreshing has begun to wear me down a bit. Or, perhaps it is more the melancholy dampening I’ve felt from my village, the palpable sense that this is no longer playtime; we are here and stuck with one another for a little over another year. I have been thoroughly resisting the pathogenic downward spiral of cynicism many volunteers in country have begun adopting. I have had incredibly disheartening hiccups but I refuse to lose faith in the good and potential in others.
That being said, I think Peace Corps is a long series of mutual disappointment (at least at first). We have both come into this odd couple relationship with grand expectations that neither one of us will ever live up to. As we both slowly begin to realize this, through our gradual day-to-day struggles to understand one another, we begin to cower in a deep shadow of mistrust we have cast in an effort of self preservation. The people in my village were expecting a rich, somewhat gullible white girl from America to help them in the only way they see how: to give them money and assistance with securing what they need. I, on the other hand, have had the pretentious dream of helping these poor unfortunate souls, of living an exotic adventure in a beneficent manner, since high school. It was the dream that pushed me on through college and back again. Now, together we are beginning to realize the truth; neither one of us is going to get what we expected.
I had a bit of a breakdown today. The constant demands for money, gifts and food were starting to wear my skin thin. After a particularly touchy conversation about the failings of our soap groupement, I couldn’t stand it and had to rush home. I feel slightly betrayed by Victor, the one who is supposed to help me navigate the cultural undercurrents of this village, to ward off the beggars and inform the community what it is I am here to do. He has completely failed me on this end and on top of it has made no effort to repay a debt he owes me, not even to invite me over for dinner. Frustrated.